Believing in Change

I was happy. Probably the happiest I had been in a very long time. Why was I so happy? Part of it was that I was having more fun than I had experienced for a long time. I enjoyed my new look. I enjoyed going out and buying new clothes. I gave myself permission to spend money on me. I probably spent more on clothes in four months than I had in ten years. I emptied my closet of all my old loose fitting t-shirts and other clothes that were unsuitable for Ms. Wings. Along with this new look came an inner feeling of confidence that I hadn’t felt before. You know how some days you can look in the mirror and be happy with who you see? That was happening all the time now. I cared more about my appearance. I wanted to look nice everywhere I went, not just on Sundays. I was taking care of me. Us moms may not do that very well. We look after everyone else, sometimes ignoring ourselves.

The change in the outer appearance was easy to see. Many noticed and commented on the “glow” that they saw around me. What was this? I was beginning to believe in myself. I grew up with teachings that we are all children of God, with the potential to do wonderful things. Maybe I believed that without really understanding the full meaning. This quotation from Marianne Williamson sums it up well:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

My personal challenge now was to internalize this belief. I had to truly believe I was capable of doing more, of being more. Fear stops us from doing so many different things. In nearly all cases that fear is unwarranted. Fear lives only in the future. Staying present and living in the moment allows excitement, fun, joy, humor, insight and countless other emotions. It’s how we enjoy the journey.

Our subconscious mind has a powerful effect on us. It’s possible to take a step back, look inward, and discover how controlling the subconscious can be. Events that took place years ago can have a dampening effect on our progress. When I was six years old, my brother Terry was singing at a wedding. A sister of the bride wanted a photo of me. I was all decked out in new clothes. I liked the fountain as a backdrop. It was in the opposite end of the room where my brother was singing. This fountain wasn’t very large, and didn’t have a ledge around it. Water had splashed on the floor and as we walked, I slipped in and ended up giving my brother “the best competition” he ever had. In the mind of a six year old, this was devastating! He stopped singing, everyone turned to look at me and laughed. I was mortified. That incident had a lasting effect on me. It wasn’t until just a few years ago that I allowed myself to let go of embarrassment.